Monday, May 23, 2016

Addictions

I am sending this letter to my all of my sons and daughters and married and adult grandchildren including in-laws.  You may forward it to any of your children, family or friends who may be struggling with addictions.  

I would like to share my thoughts and desires about overcoming addictions related to food and pornography.  They are difficult addictions and may not at first appear to be related.  But, in some ways they are similar. 

I firmly believe that sexual pleasure is approved by God for both men and women within marriage.  It is a divine gift. It is the work of a lifetime to strengthen marriage by seeking sexual fulfillment for both husband and wife.  I have been blessed with a husband who has always wanted me to enjoy sex as much as he does.  

Pornography doesn’t go there.  It is not about love and pleasure, it is about self and pleasure.  But one cannot and should not fight addiction to pornography by giving up sex. Lack of sexual fulfillment in marriage causes depression, frustration, and divorce. 

“Sexual concerns have been reported in 75 percent of couples seeking marital therapy and are nearly universal in women seeking routine gynecologic care.” (The quote is from a book entitled “And They Were Not Ashamed - Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment” by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE.)  It is a book with an LDS and Christian perspective, and was a Mother’s Day gift from my husband for us to read together -- not because we are having problems, but because we are still working at improving our marriage. Both Ken and I would recommend this book to you.

I have thought recently that an important part of fighting pornography addiction is to have a more healthy and happy approach to sexual relationships.  Sex is not bad.  It is not dirty.  We don’t need to be uncomfortable with our bodies or ashamed of them.  

Many religiously minded people are so focused on preventing pre-marital sex that young people sometimes receive negative sexual conditioning.  At the same time, we are inundated with a worldly view of sex that is distorted and self-focused and very publicly promoted in media. Being private about sex is good.  But I did want all of you to know that your parents/grandparents believe in sex.  It is a good thing.  

I know more about food addition than I do about pornography because I have dealt with it all of my life. The basic similarity of food addiction to pornography addiction is that just as it is not possible or advisable to give up our desire and need for sex, it is not possible to give up food.  I also think it is unnecessary to give up finding pleasure in food. Pleasant and delicious food is a gift from God.  Our bodies are made to enjoy food.  For my family love of good food has been a tradition.  It is part of the parties and the celebrations.  We love food.  We love discovering new foods and recipes.  I don’t want to change that.   

I have always liked sweets and sugar, and when I first discovered chocolate, I was “in love.”  I remember how excited I was to find out that there was such a thing as home made chocolate cake.  But, chocolate also became a “guilty” pleasure.  After I was earning my own money, I more than once walked three blocks to the store on Fast Sunday to buy a bag of chocolate nonpareils.  I would eat the whole thing.  It was a hidden sin I have never before confessed.  

As a mother of many children, I often responded to the stresses in my life by eating chocolate.  Before I got pregnant with Michael I had an early miscarriage.  About that time studies were being done about the relationship between caffeine and miscarriage.  I had been eating a lot of chocolate and thought perhaps that there might also be a relationship between chocolate and miscarriage.  I determined that I would eliminate chocolate from my diet and for about 20 years I did not eat chocolate.  It probably didn’t help my health that much because I replaced chocolate with sugar as a stress reliever and comfort food.

“Recent studies have confirmed that women who consumed 200 milligrams or more of caffeine each day (about two cups of regular coffee or five 12-ounce cans of caffeinated soda) had twice the miscarriage risk as those who didn't have any.”  

And to quote from an even more recent study:  

“When either men or women drank three or more cups a day of caffeinated drinks before pregnancy — sodas, energy drinks or coffee — the woman was nearly twice as likely to lose that pregnancy early on. And if women consumed more caffeine after they conceived, they were also more likely to miscarry.
“It's one of the most detailed studies yet to look at something that has been noted for a while now — that high caffeine intake seems to be linked with pregnancy loss.
And it's one of the first to show that what men eat or drink can affect fertility.”

Ironically, new studies are also indicating that dark chocolate can help prevent miscarriages.  It’s a good thing I didn’t know that at the time I determined to give up chocolate. 

As a baby I was underweight and scrawny, refusing to eat.  By the time I was a teenager, that problem was thoroughly overcome.  I thought I was fat even when I wasn’t.  I grew up in the age of “Twiggy” and skinny models.  Curves were not popular.  I used food to distract me from pain, loneliness, stress, and a multitude of challenges.  You’ve heard about the “Better than sex” desserts.  Not being athletically minded, having babies, and getting older, and sometimes just not caring has kept me either overweight or obese much of my life. 

Dieting has also been a part of my life.  I have recently managed to weigh less than usual, but I am still struggling with the healthy part.  I know that good protein, good fats and good carbs are important to health and energy. I have not been converted to a vegan or vegetarian diet.  Food guidelines seem to be a constantly changing.

I still like desserts.  I still enjoy full fat products.  And I do not believe that it is wrong or evil to enjoy sugar or chocolate.  The sin or the addiction is in the selfishness, in the hiding and in the guilt. I still have that as part of my life.  Being thinner hasn’t changed that.

Thinking about people I love who have struggles with pornography has made me think more deeply about my relationship with food.  I cannot judge them.  Pornography and food addictions are physical realities deeply imbedded in the brain and body.  I have not wanted to give up sugar or to again give up chocolate. But I have not known how to have a “healthy” relationship with desserts.  I have been busily reading diet books and books that say you just need a permanent lifestyle change, but it hasn’t solved the problem.  I need to want to change.

What do I want enough to make me give up my bad food habits and addictions?  More than I want a healthy body, I want my family to be healthy and happy, emotionally, socially, physically and spiritually.  I would give up my hidden and guilty sugar and chocolate to better understand how to help my children and their children deal with their own addictions.

I have asked God to help me to think of the pornography challenge every time I am tempted to eat sugar, or desserts, or hidden chocolate.  I say tempted because for me some foods and eating habits are not related to physical hunger or healthy eating. As I eat more than I intended to eat or try to justify the eating, I have to ignore the feeling that I am doing something that is wrong for me. Guilt that doesn’t help me change is unproductive and diminishes my sense of integrity.  

I believe that covenants or promises to God are a way to make important changes in life.  I believe that Jesus Christ understands all mortal temptations and that he was able to overcome them.  He has the power to strengthen us and help us to do the same.

With Love,
Jane, mother and grandma  

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