Application

I sent the letter about addictions yesterday.  Ken had read it and approved.  We both felt I had been inspired to write it.  It was easier than it should have been.

I was able to eat no extra sugar or chocolate yesterday.  Because my calorie count was low, this morning I hit my lowest weight in eight years.

One other decision I made yesterday is interesting to me.  I have been resisting following Ken's example of tracking protein, fat, and carbs in my diet.  Since last July, he has been diligent.  I guess I  was clinging to my sins, retaining flexibility.  Hiding from what I have not wanted to know.  I wasn't sure I could do track details on Fitbit, but for $49 a year I can get the premium version.

Yesterday Ken accepted a cookie from a sister who had been given one in Relief Society, after I had refused it.  He wanted to be gracious.  He threw it away when we got home.  But after he figured out his diet for the day and realized he had extra carbs and calories, he finished off the ice cream Becca left us after family dinner last Sunday.

I don't know how often I will use this blog.  I don't know if anyone else will ever read it.  I will leave it open.

Addictions

I am sending this letter to my all of my sons and daughters and married and adult grandchildren including in-laws.  You may forward it to any of your children, family or friends who may be struggling with addictions.  

I would like to share my thoughts and desires about overcoming addictions related to food and pornography.  They are difficult addictions and may not at first appear to be related.  But, in some ways they are similar. 

I firmly believe that sexual pleasure is approved by God for both men and women within marriage.  It is a divine gift. It is the work of a lifetime to strengthen marriage by seeking sexual fulfillment for both husband and wife.  I have been blessed with a husband who has always wanted me to enjoy sex as much as he does.  

Pornography doesn’t go there.  It is not about love and pleasure, it is about self and pleasure.  But one cannot and should not fight addiction to pornography by giving up sex. Lack of sexual fulfillment in marriage causes depression, frustration, and divorce. 

“Sexual concerns have been reported in 75 percent of couples seeking marital therapy and are nearly universal in women seeking routine gynecologic care.” (The quote is from a book entitled “And They Were Not Ashamed - Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment” by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE.)  It is a book with an LDS and Christian perspective, and was a Mother’s Day gift from my husband for us to read together -- not because we are having problems, but because we are still working at improving our marriage. Both Ken and I would recommend this book to you.

I have thought recently that an important part of fighting pornography addiction is to have a more healthy and happy approach to sexual relationships.  Sex is not bad.  It is not dirty.  We don’t need to be uncomfortable with our bodies or ashamed of them.  

Many religiously minded people are so focused on preventing pre-marital sex that young people sometimes receive negative sexual conditioning.  At the same time, we are inundated with a worldly view of sex that is distorted and self-focused and very publicly promoted in media. Being private about sex is good.  But I did want all of you to know that your parents/grandparents believe in sex.  It is a good thing.  

I know more about food addition than I do about pornography because I have dealt with it all of my life. The basic similarity of food addiction to pornography addiction is that just as it is not possible or advisable to give up our desire and need for sex, it is not possible to give up food.  I also think it is unnecessary to give up finding pleasure in food. Pleasant and delicious food is a gift from God.  Our bodies are made to enjoy food.  For my family love of good food has been a tradition.  It is part of the parties and the celebrations.  We love food.  We love discovering new foods and recipes.  I don’t want to change that.   

I have always liked sweets and sugar, and when I first discovered chocolate, I was “in love.”  I remember how excited I was to find out that there was such a thing as home made chocolate cake.  But, chocolate also became a “guilty” pleasure.  After I was earning my own money, I more than once walked three blocks to the store on Fast Sunday to buy a bag of chocolate nonpareils.  I would eat the whole thing.  It was a hidden sin I have never before confessed.  

As a mother of many children, I often responded to the stresses in my life by eating chocolate.  Before I got pregnant with Michael I had an early miscarriage.  About that time studies were being done about the relationship between caffeine and miscarriage.  I had been eating a lot of chocolate and thought perhaps that there might also be a relationship between chocolate and miscarriage.  I determined that I would eliminate chocolate from my diet and for about 20 years I did not eat chocolate.  It probably didn’t help my health that much because I replaced chocolate with sugar as a stress reliever and comfort food.

“Recent studies have confirmed that women who consumed 200 milligrams or more of caffeine each day (about two cups of regular coffee or five 12-ounce cans of caffeinated soda) had twice the miscarriage risk as those who didn't have any.”  

http://www.parents.com/pregnancy/complications/miscarriage/causes-miscarriage/

And to quote from an even more recent study:  

“When either men or women drank three or more cups a day of caffeinated drinks before pregnancy — sodas, energy drinks or coffee — the woman was nearly twice as likely to lose that pregnancy early on. And if women consumed more caffeine after they conceived, they were also more likely to miscarry.

“It's one of the most detailed studies yet to look at something that has been noted for a while now — that high caffeine intake seems to be linked with pregnancy loss.

And it's one of the first to show that what men eat or drink can affect fertility.”

http://www.today.com/health/caffeine-linked-miscarriage-dad-s-habit-matters-too-t82521

Ironically, new studies are also indicating that dark chocolate can help prevent miscarriages.  It’s a good thing I didn’t know that at the time I determined to give up chocolate. 

As a baby I was underweight and scrawny, refusing to eat.  By the time I was a teenager, that problem was thoroughly overcome.  I thought I was fat even when I wasn’t.  I grew up in the age of “Twiggy” and skinny models.  Curves were not popular.  I used food to distract me from pain, loneliness, stress, and a multitude of challenges.  You’ve heard about the “Better than sex” desserts.  Not being athletically minded, having babies, and getting older, and sometimes just not caring has kept me either overweight or obese much of my life. 

Dieting has also been a part of my life.  I have recently managed to weigh less than usual, but I am still struggling with the healthy part.  I know that good protein, good fats and good carbs are important to health and energy. I have not been converted to a vegan or vegetarian diet.  Food guidelines seem to be a constantly changing.

I still like desserts.  I still enjoy full fat products.  And I do not believe that it is wrong or evil to enjoy sugar or chocolate.  The sin or the addiction is in the selfishness, in the hiding and in the guilt. I still have that as part of my life.  Being thinner hasn’t changed that.

Thinking about people I love who have struggles with pornography has made me think more deeply about my relationship with food.  I cannot judge them.  Pornography and food addictions are physical realities deeply imbedded in the brain and body.  I have not wanted to give up sugar or to again give up chocolate. But I have not known how to have a “healthy” relationship with desserts.  I have been busily reading diet books and books that say you just need a permanent lifestyle change, but it hasn’t solved the problem.  I need to want to change.

What do I want enough to make me give up my bad food habits and addictions?  More than I want a healthy body, I want my family to be healthy and happy, emotionally, socially, physically and spiritually.  I would give up my hidden and guilty sugar and chocolate to better understand how to help my children and their children deal with their own addictions.

I have asked God to help me to think of the pornography challenge every time I am tempted to eat sugar, or desserts, or hidden chocolate.  I say tempted because for me some foods and eating habits are not related to physical hunger or healthy eating. As I eat more than I intended to eat or try to justify the eating, I have to ignore the feeling that I am doing something that is wrong for me. Guilt that doesn’t help me change is unproductive and diminishes my sense of integrity.  

I believe that covenants or promises to God are a way to make important changes in life.  I believe that Jesus Christ understands all mortal temptations and that he was able to overcome them.  He has the power to strengthen us and help us to do the same.

With Love,

Jane, mother and grandma  

struggles

When I hit 147 after a family dinner I decided I needed to start counting calories again.  If I was going to stay under 145 I needed to be down to 140 not struggling at the top of my range.  I realized I am eating too much sugar.  Monday, the week before Easter I started making some caramel chocolate cups and ate so many of them that in the middle of the night about 3:00 am I woke up with a deep awareness of my lack of self control.  I was poisoning my body.  Pre diabetes is a serious concern.  I got up and wrapped up the chocolate cups and extra caramel and put it in the downstairs freezer.  I didn't eat any chocolate or candy or desserts until Easter when I made a cheesecake and finished using the good chocolate to make caramel cups to give to the family.  I refrained from eating any on Saturday while I was making them and had only two on Sunday when I gave the rest away except for those I had put in the freezer which now didn't look any good.  I went almost another week with no chocolate candy or desserts but while I was making a black bottom cake for today I ate a handful of frozen caramel pieces to make up for the fact that I wouldn't allow myself any caramel today since I would be eating cake.  Not a good thing to do at bedtime.  I had the calories left, but it wasn't a good idea.  I weighed 141.8 pounds this morning, the same weight for the last three days.  I still haven't hit the 140 mark for a long time.  I realize I need to keep eating more healthy foods and after I settle into the 140 weight range, maybe I can try for a 135-140 range.

Fast Sunday

I am still refraining from counting calories, but weighing every day, even when I'm nervous about what the previous day's eating has done to my weight.  I am not losing weight, but I haven't gone over 145.  I would like to not go over 140, but I may have to quit eating sugar to accomplish that.

I have made an effort to eat protein and vegetables every meal.  I am resisting buying some things I would have bought before.  I am keeping up my 10,000 steps on every day but Sunday.  I had thought about doing weights on Saturday, but didn't.  I have signed up for another 12 classes of weight training.

I am baking some remade cookies for family dinner.  24 cookies for 13 of us.  And it is Fast Sunday.  Last Fast Sunday I didn't get hungry and didn't think of food even though I was preparing for a family dinner then too.  I think it is easier to fast until dinnertime when we have 1 o'clock church. I have decided I won't eat cookies unless they are hot.  Cold cookies are usually disappointing. I shouldn't eat anything that is disappointing unless it is really nutritious.

Ken continues to treat food as medicine, fuel, necessary for life and health rather than for pleasure.  It would be easier to maintain a low weight that way.  I am glad he is involved in improving the quality of his intake.

After some dithering, I threw away some mentor with green tea extract.  I won't do green tea even though it is supposed to help with weight loss.  When in doubt throw it out.  And don't ever loosen Word of Wisdom standards.  They should be getting better and clearer and wiser all the time.

I am grateful to have lost the taste for many things that are not healthy for me.  I was disappointed to still have problems with pre-diabetis, but not really surprised.  Also cholesterol should be better.

Vegetables for breakfast

After almond milk hot chocolate and wholewheat cinnamon raisin toast with a cashew, blueberry, chia date spread, I decided I had better eat some green vegetables. So I ate a package of snap peas.  It was okay, but the last one I had and too expensive really. I will have to figure out an alternative.  It claimed to be 2 1/2 servings.

I will have a salad for lunch with chicken breast, romaine, dried cranberries, nuts and christophene/choyote.  I don't know if I will resist a dark chocolate square this morning. I was hoping the hot chocolate would be a substitute.  I even brushed my teeth and used the water pic and mouthwash to discourage further eating.  I lost .8 pounds yesterday in spite of my chocolate and ice-cream.  Maybe it helped that I had my weight class and walked 10,000 steps.

Purpose

This may not become public because no one really wants to hear about my struggles with food and health.  But I think it will be a good thing to make notes about my thoughts and efforts.

I have finally got to a weight that I could live with and not consider myself over weight.  There still have chubby spots and am in no way skinny or even slim.  I think I got to this state in a less than ideal manner, counting calories at the expense of nutrition.  With as many calories as I cut I should have lost more weight.  I was hungry too much, so I think my body did some conserving.

Weighing less didn't really solve everything.  It did help calm the fat dreams and make more of my clothes fit.  Some of the clothes I really liked are too big and sloppy on my now.  I still have too much in my closet.  I get tired of things.  Many of my clothes I never wear.  I should quit shopping.  But I find myself still searching for the ideal thing to wear on each and every occasion that might come up.

I was happy to find the Jackie Wicks "The Cheat System Diet".  It encourages nutrition. Add vegetables. Add Protein.  Never be hungry.  Eat as much as you want of some good foods.  Track portions of other less nutritious foods to keep the maximum at 10 one hundred calorie portions per day.  She calls these cheats.  Ken calls them treats.  Ken doesn't really believe in treats.  I do.

My goal has been to stop counting calories but still maintain or lose weight.  I am up and down two or three pounds, but it seems to be helping.  I have been eating dark chocolate as my main treat. But I eat white potatoes sometimes.  Ken doesn't.

I have started a weight training class with Leslie.  I am excited about that.  Muscle weighs more than fat, but it looks better.  I am still walking 10,000 steps a day except Sunday I won't worry about it.  I am buying many more vegetables and experimenting with good grains: quinoa, wild rice, black rice, green wheat etc.

I want to go get a piece of dark chocolate now.  Sigh.